Sometimes I am not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other. After thirty-five years of walking and talking, why are there still days when I am not even sure I could chew gum and walk? This life is sure something else and the human brain has the outstanding and annoying capacity to create doubt and lowered self-worth. Imagine, there was a time when I was 125-130 lbs. after two children that I thought I was “fat”. Ha, yup I thought that clothes didn’t fit right then or that I could stand to lose a few pounds. Consider that I am now the mother of four children, suffer from depression, fibromyalgia, narcolepsy and Poly cystic ovaries syndrome, I would love to go back those days. Seriously brain, why did you not realize how amazing you were back then and right now, that’s only talking about the surface of myself.
I had no idea where my life would go or all the lessons I would learn thus far along the way. Truth be told, I am kind of scared for the new lessons that are yet to come. If the first thirty-five years have been like this, what else could possibly be on the great teacher’s lesson plan for my life in the next years to come? I dare not think about it for fear it might come true, but that’s only superstition coming through and not the truth of what life really has to offer. How on earth is that the scales so often find themselves balanced between the blessings and the lessons? Oh sure, my mother is dying a little more each day due to her dementia but look at the marriage you have now (boom, balanced scale). Kind of makes it difficult to be mad and darn it, sometimes I just want to be mad. Sometimes I just want to be angry and throw a fit. Like “a kid throwing themselves on the floor kind of fit with tears and screams” kind of fit, ending with me sitting in someone’s lap as they rub my back and I gasp for air in a hiccup manner.
I laugh slightly as I think of my kids as they allow me to calm them after a tantrum, boo boo or some sad situation that has resulted in tears. I love that part about being a mama, so why do I want to hurry up and get my license already? I know for a fact that I am a darn good mom. When I kiss my kids on the head or hold them, I know without a doubt that my love is real. When I am in the room with a client, I am not sure what affect I have really had on them. I am not sure if I can really start a successful practice. I look around and feel like people do not take me seriously. I feel like folks do not get how serious it is that I graduated from graduate school with my master’s and how dad gum big of a deal it is. I am meant to be in the mental health field, so why can I not just trust God’s will and relax a bit? Why do I know that I am meant to be in this field yet sometimes feel like I am dragging myself to volunteer at a local non-profit as a mentor? Damn depression! Sigh. This life sometimes feels like a joke, but I need to relax and remind myself that the “jokes” not on me or about me.
I wish I had a picture of the baby goats with pajama’s on because that is what the title of this post is about. Throughout life we see things that make us smile and laugh, that put us in a state of awe. And URG, we can so easily pass over these moments. The human race is really so darn blasted talented at not seeing the forest for the trees. We forget the fact that goats with pajamas do not only make a darn cute photo but serve a purpose. Them cute little goats need to stay warm and the funny thing is, those cute goats do not realize how adorable they are in their stylish warming attire. We do not get that in our pursuit to be happy and content that so many things turn out great. A lot of us forget or have never learned to be blessed, an enjoyable type of blessed.
This is me; I am guilty of this. Now, I am fair enough to understand that I have a chemical imbalance that does not make my life impossible, but a little bit more difficult. Never impossible. I have SO many wants and desires that kick-it with my depression and lounge around like teenage boys in front of a video game system and a plate of chicken nuggets. I have to fight myself, talking to myself like I have forgotten how live.
God is good.
Stop for a moment.
Ponder on that.
There you go Sara.
There you go.