I Suddenly Realized That I was Disconnected.
So, here I was sitting in church. I love going to church and cannot put to words how much I love that our family goes regularly. I love that we are members of our church and I am a proud mama as our little girls go up front for the children’s message. Then as our pastor was speaking, I don’t even recall now at what part of the bulletin we were at, but then I suddenly felt disconnected from everything even from God. I have been dealing with depression for the last few years, so I knew that the depression had its hand in this thought process. I have also started intermittent fasting, which has changed things a bit in my body and I am not sure yet where the positives are, but I am hoping to regulate my body and put in back into check as well as loose nearly 40-50 pounds. Added on top of that, I took what I call my “stay awake” pill, which has a tendency to make me feel a little out of it.
By the time the day was winding down and I was fighting to be asleep by 11:30 pm as I had been doing the past week. Again, I felt like I didn’t have control over my body. I told my husband this, “you know when you’re really sleepy in the morning and you’re not ready to wake up, but one of the kids is holding your eyelids open and they won’t let you sleep. That is how I feel right now. I have been exhausted all day, but now that I am laying here, I cannot fall asleep.” Well, guess what…I woke up late. I had to take a little girl to school even though I had no intention of taking her to school…urgh. I probably didn’t comfortably fall asleep until well into the morning, which is not what I had wanted.
Back to feeling disconnected as I was sitting in church. I love my faith; I love being a Christian and I love depending on God. So, why am I feeling so stinking disconnected?
I know that depression is a REAL BIG part of this. Where I normally find joy, there are often times when I feel indifferent to the things I love. I have to chat with God, so that I am able to get out of my funk, and be the active participant that God wants me to be. Another change that affected me that particular morning was taking one of my “stay awake” pills that without breakfast left me feeling a little out of place. There are things that I have on my list, things that I need to get done like pay bills, hem a dress or even write my words of gratitude on my stole of gratitude that I plan on giving to my husband at graduation. All these things I want to get done, but there is something inside of me that makes me fight every single day.
Fighting an up-stream battle, an exhausted me sometimes just needs a life preserver thrown my way. Difficult thing, I have a difficult time reaching out to people and just being honest with needing help to make it through the day. Thank God that there is God. I know people who are reading this might not be Christians, but I am. This is the only way that I can say out loud or inside my mind that I am struggling. I can scream for help, shake my hands in the air and plead and beg for help without feeling like I am bringing someone else down. I know God has plans for me, but there are just days when I need God more than I need to breathe air. Seems like an oxymoron huh, I need air in order to live, but the days when living seems to difficult to bare, I need something beyond my human comprehension to get me through the minutes, hours, the day.
It is okay to reach out for help. I am a mental health professional and I still need to learn to admit to get help when there are times that I am feeling disconnected. It helps to be honest with yourself with what you are feeling. When I feel disconnected from God, I ask for His help with this. When I feel like I cannot make it through another day, I reach out to Him for this. Being an introvert means that I will rarely reach out to a human because the very thought exhaust me, but thank God that there is God.