As I begin my work with Alpha Grand Rapids, a non-profit Christian ministry that works with mothers and women in unplanned pregnancies, I cannot but help go back to this story. If you are ever facing an unplanned pregnancy, please know there are options. I was already the mother of three beautiful children and felt like we were all done, a complete family. What I found out about life with this unplanned pregnancy has been astonishing.
I Am What?!
I was alone in our bathroom when the doctor called me on the phone with my blood test results. I had been feeling ill the past few weeks, and started having this odd hunch that I was pregnant. There was something odd about this though, I had had permanent birth control put in eight months after our third child. I was convinced that her pregnancy was certainly God's way of telling me that I was done having children. Combine Gestational Diabetes and pre-eclampsia and I was over my head done with having children. I was content with this, our third child was more than we could handle, a tiny bundle of colicky mixed with intense cuteness. So, as I mentioned, I underwent permanent birth control. Imagine my surprise and utter terror when I heard my doctor confirm my fears of being pregnant. What was it she said, "you're pregnant girl."
I sunk down on the side of the tub. What the h@ll was going on, this had to be some sick joke. I DID NOT want to be pregnant, I DID NOT want another baby. I was angry because I had attached myself to our latest little bundle of joy who, by this time was a toddler. I thought that this was going to take away from her security and happiness and I was not prepared to have any other child take away her attention. Also, I had recently started graduate school and this was certainly not needed. I did not want to be pregnant again.
When I called my husband I was crying and he was fearful. Now, at this point we were not even sure this was a viable pregnancy. The most we knew was that this could be an ectopic pregnancy, which would mean that I would need surgery to correct this pregnancy situation. With this knowledge, my uncontrollable tears and I could tell that my husband was slightly concerned.
It was November 11th, Veteran's day. Being that my husband was a veteran, I chalked this up to one cruel veteran's day gift. My husband left work early to be with me as I was scheduled for an emergency ultra sound.
My husband that day was amazing, the opposite of how I thought he was going to be. When the technician began speaking to me as if this was some routine ultra sound, a totally normal happy pregnancy, I turned away and felt a tear rolled down my cheek. My husband held my hand, and brushed the hair away from face. He could see how all of the unexpected news, the viable pregnancy news, had hit me. What kind of mother was I going to be to this child when I didn't want another baby? So here is where my husband was, a man who I thought was going to flip out, the man who I thought was going to hate this pregnancy as much as I did, being strong. What was going on inside his mind? I later learned that a resounding, "bring it on." rung in his head.
This little girl came to us on our ninth wedding anniversary. She was a 5# 12 oz bundle of joy who I thought was just absolutely gorgeous. Up to that point when I saw her face, I doubted if I could love her. Yet my heart had been transformed from the first moment I looked at her. I remember telling my father as he held her, "isn't she beautiful?" And I meant it, she was our beautiful baby, a little girl who may have been unplanned, but made from love.
What have I learned. God has plans for us that we cannot even fathom. God knew I wanted this little girl, this unexpected bundle of joy, before I knew I wanted her. Everything we had done at this point included the idea for a family of five. We have a three bedroom home, a room with two girls who already took up quite a bit of space. Yet somehow we have made things work.
We have no plans of suing the company of my useless permanent birth control. How can you want to fight anyone when you know that she was the plan from the start? How can you not love a little girl whose blue eyes melt right into your heart, and whose smile and giggles fill the room with joy? I have health issues due to a fourth pregnancy, and I weigh the option for surgery to correct these persistent issues on a weekly basis, but Marie Grace is just perfect.