tidbits and flavors
“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be mean and exclude them from (fill in the blank for whatever activity that was happening)”.
How many times have you heard this or how many times have you thought this yourself? You don't want to be truthful because you don't want to hurt somebody/anybody's feelings. All too often everybody gets this mixed up, that in order to “be nice” we have to squash down our own thoughts and feelings. I'm here to let you know that being a people-pleaser is not the same as being nice. Being a people-pleaser means that you don't want to cause any conflict that seeing someone hurt means that you are being the bad guy, the mean guy or gal. I understand the need for not wanting to hurt anybody's feelings, but unfortunately we cannot please everybody. People-pleasing can get you in trouble especially in the long run because you end up getting so frustrated, stressed and overwhelmed that you have to say something. This can leave whoever it is that you originally did not want to hurt, feeling confused and well, hurt.
As I mentioned previously, we cannot please everybody. It's impossible because there are way too many people in the world. Now, I am not saying to be the inverse and that you have to be cruel, considering other people’s feelings is good.
So let me give you an example:
You are having a get-together with someone that you don't get to see very often. You are looking forward to the get together because it's going to be just the two of you. Then as you're talking about this "get-together:, somebody else mentions that they would like to come along. So because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, you decide that it won't be an issue. Well, then that person invites another person and asks (while the other person is standing right there) if they can come along. It puts you on the spot (feel bad 1) and instead of saying what you mean and feel (feel bad 2) you decide that it won’t be too big of a deal if they come along. All of this is no big deal, right? After all, it’s not like you don’t like the other person, you just didn’t want a group of people at your gathering. See, people-pleasers often minimize their own thoughts and feelings in order to justify the invite or change of heart. Being kind is a wonderful thing. Extending your heart, time and friendship is great, but it does not mean that you have to say yes all the time or any time.
There is no reason why you would have to say yes to this situation, you are allowed to have alone time with your friend or family member whether you seem them all the time or once in a while. There is nothing wrong with being truthful. True, it might hurt someone’s feelings and they might feel left out. You could set up another activity or visit that does include everyone, something that would satisfy everyone’s time and feelings.
Saying, “I would enjoy spending time with you, but this time it’s just going to be the 2 of us.” or “Maybe another time you could come along, but I would like to spend some alone time with so and so.” None of these things means that you are not nice. You are being honest, and it will likely be a bummer for the other person, but it is not the end of the world. A lot of nice people are faced with conflict in their lives. A lot of nice people are still not liked by everyone. That's a part of life. Being honest from the beginning is always the best option for maintaining peace even if it's simply your own peace of mind.
If you like this post, check out others like it via the link below.