Sigh, I never thought that I would be doing this, but I want to be honest. I want to live an open and free life, a task that is not easy. I can admit this now in writing and to the public. I hate the way that I look. I have never been real secure with how I look (well, maybe when I was younger), but now I cringe when I look in the mirror. I was a skinny little girl once. Even after giving birth to two children, I was only 125 lbs, a weight that I would love to get back to. Now, this is not a story about weight, it is not a tale of how we should all be skinny individuals and that this is the only way we can begin to feel good about ourselves. This story is about a woman who is not who she wants to be and this includes weight, energy level, fitness and skin. I use to be such a vivacious woman. When my husband was taking an ax to a massive tree root, I was there with him. When my husband was cutting and clearing wood for our pole barn, I was there on mother's day, hauling wood. When my husband dug a hole to find our water bladder, I was there with him, digging a hold. We would walk here and walk there, and I loved every minute of it. After, a spinal nerve block procedure before a significant surgery, we went hiking in Pennsylvania. This still remains my absolute favorite vacation before of the time we spend hiking and admiring the outdoors. Since October 11, 2015 my life has been different. This feeling of disgust and anger that I have for my body is not because of the birth of my 4 children, but a car accident that left me struggling many days, wishing I was no longer alive because I could barely pull myself up to do household chores let alone workout.
Let me be clear, I know that I am smart and talented and funny and a great mom and moreover, I am loved by God beyond belief, but I still have trouble with who I am on a daily basis. I have arthritis in my back and Fibromyalgia that causes serious body pain. I am terribly fatigued every single day. I had a terrible reaction to the drugs after a surgery a year ago, and my skin looks terrible with scars and continuous bumps. However, here I am, really trying to be the best that I can be and as we know that is really something else. I am trying to be quiet long enough for God to whisper in my ear "you look so beautiful" like a man would his cherished love. I want to show what I look like after workout: sweaty, dark circles, skin blemishes, ugly workout clothes and all. This is me. This is me blessed beyond belief because I have more than many people will have in a lifetime. Still, I am trying to love the body that I am in, I am fighting to be that beautiful woman who hears God whisper in her ear, responding, "thank you God, I believe you".