It was being an Army wife that propelled me into the mental health field. I thought that I had figured something out about surviving the life as a military wife and further thought that it was my destiny to help others. Well, it is my destiny to help others, but I have since learned that it would not only be my experience as an Army wife that would be useful, but being a wife of a veteran and alcoholic, a mother, student, daughter and Christian that would be prime experiences to draw from. Below are my words during the midst of my husband’s 2nd deployment.
“Today seems to be the day that I have run out of things to say. It almost feels as if I have said everything, I have ever needed to say regarding this deployment. I've complained to my husband, I've cried to my husband, and I've argued with my husband about the loneliness, the sadness, and the anger I feel. I have run out of many words except the select few I always reserve for the ones I love. I still Love him and no matter how long I must wait for him, I will always love him. I might be selfish at times or I might give all my being. I might complain more than I should, but I cannot deny that I love being his wife more than I love my own life. The overwhelming fear that at any moment I'll break to the point where I will not be able to be put back together again often clouds my mind. However, I repeat, let it be known that I am proud of my husband and of our military. I feel weak having to complain about myself at all, but I am but a human. I might dislike the situation many times, but I couldn't be happier with the choices I've made for my life. The heartache shouldn't be confused with lack of support. The anger shouldn't be confused with lack of understanding.
I imagine a time when again I can look into his eyes and know that we are together as a couple, as homeowners and best of all, together as parents. I often imagine at night what it will be like waking up beside you in the morning again (on weekends of course because during the regular week, you are up a 4 am). I try to fall asleep to the thought of you coming home and of us meeting up again. I imagine what you'll look like when you see our children again. I imagine the look on your face as you look upon our daughter who is walking and talking now, the little girl you left when she was only eight months old. I must remind you that you are very loved and that you are very missed. I must remind you that we are all proud of you. I must remind you that I am HERE for you no matter what. No matter what feelings I have, we will get through this together. Why, because we love each other, and we have the faith in God and in our love.
I might hate being away from you, but you have given me opportunities in life that I never would have had without you. I am on the long road to thinking positive. It's going to take me sometimes. You my love know how I worry, you know how my mind gets working and I lose my emotions.”