How'd You Do It
Listen, I went back and reread some of the things that I wrote when I was first married and I am shaking my head at this young girl who fell so deep in love with the man who swept her off her feet. She is naive and so unsure of how to handle these emotions that were unlocked inside of her. I was a young Army wife, awaiting her husband’s return from the Middle East. I had not had the chance to live with my husband much after we were married. It was only a little over a year and he was gone in another country. I should have known how all of this was going to go when I became a frantic woman, clinging to her husband as if he was a prize that someone was going to steal. I did not trust much of anything except for the fact that I was head over feet in love with the man that I had recently married. I knew at that time, without him, I was a puddle of mush.
I did not trust much of anything, my own emotions, my own worth or even God. I was already starting to fight for my husband’s attention, but did I turn towards something greater than myself? Nope. We cannot just simple trust something that we do not have a physical hold on and I was certainly unable to hold on to my emotions, a nonexistent mass that flew through the air on a regular basis. What is my point here? My point is this, I get that trusting in God can be difficult. When I went back to school to get my undergraduate degree in Psychology, I had no clue what a Christian school was going to do for my life. I originally went there because the military discount was off the charts amazing. Then something began to come alive in me. I am not saying that suddenly when my faith was renewed that everything began to fall into place. HA! Let’s see, we separated from the Army and returned home, selling our house and basically paying someone else to take it, my husband and I fought a lot, my husband went away to school in Arizona, I worked at a terrible factory, my mom was diagnosed with dementia, I was in a terrible car accident, my husband’s an alcoholic with anger issues who was terribly mean on numerous occasions and so many other things. Trust is not always easy. Why does God allow things to happen, why is God not watching out for me?
But I have been praying, I have been faithful, I have been to a therapist, I have taken my medication, I have filled out those forms, I have got up every single morning when all I wanted to do was sleep the day away. I have followed those rules, I have put down the drugs, I have begun to read my Bible, I went to a Christian School to become a mental health counselor and I am STILL fighting to make it through the day.
Did I catch you there yet? Listen, I do not have all the answers as to why all the bad things seem to be happening to you at once. I wish that I did. I wish that I had the answer as to how you can find a job after you got out of jail or how you can finally get out of jail after those awful charges brought against you. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ that I wish I could put into words, but most days I am gob smacked as to how I have made it through this life and why I could not have been such a strong believer earlier on in my life. All I know is that the purpose is to keep going even when all the walls keep building up around you. I am not saying that you do not deserve to cry or feel weak. There are times when all you can do is cry or days when anger wells up inside or days when you feel like if you have one more failure, you’re going to die. Keep going.
But it hurts.
I know, but feel it, take it in, breath it into your body. Fight.
You are not done.