Monday, June 16, 2008

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In the moment before I drift off to sleep I think of you beside me again, feeling your body twitch as the onset of sleep starts to hit your muscles. You work so hard throughout the day that slumber hits your body so quick. For me it takes longer, I lay beside you for nearly an hour before falling to sleep sometimes and in that time I listen, I watch you in the moonlight that glows throughout our room. You should see the many times I smile at see your face, the sleepy face you have, so unknowing that someone is watching you, so uncaring because you’re deep in slumber.
And now, I lay in our bed alone. I get sad without you around me, but I have never learned so much about myself than I have in the past months that we’ve been separated. I will never loose my emotional streak, that’s just who I am; it makes me the beautiful person I am today. And though you don’t talk about you feelings very often (which admit, you have before) I am beginning to understand that there are certain differences between us. I have begun to learn that your way of expressing your feelings comes in the way you hold me, which you will again soon. I begin to learn that your emotions reach through you arms, through your finger tips as you touch my face. It comes in the way you smile at me at the dinner table. It comes through the way we laugh together and enjoy each other’s company. It comes through the unbreakable devotion you have to me as your wife. I begin to learn that what I get should be enough, and that what you give, is plenty for me and will always be. I am finding that releasing my tensions helps live a better life, and that finding the positive outlook can make the sun shine just a bit brighter. I cannot begin to fully understand you as you cannot begin to fully understand me, but that’s okay. There will be mysteries that we will hold on to, tucked away in our little folds of life that may or may not surface. I have begun to learn that I am a strong woman, that I am a woman who can roll with the punches. I have learned through our life together that if it’s worth waiting for, it’s worth having! And more than ever, I have learned that I am a work in progress, that my feisty spirit needs a little patience.
You have given me this gift of self recognition that I don’t know if I would have discovered without this hardship given to us. I get so angry with your job, so heartbroken that you’re away from me, but then I stop in thought and think, “My God, I can handle this, and you know it.” I loose my footing sometimes, but I am making it along the journey. The journey that gets me back to you, to our family being whole again. I am privileged. I am blessed. I am at my wits in on most days, but I am alive. And I know, I will never stop being sad that you’re gone…fixable or not…but you and I…we’re partners through and through. I love you and couldn’t and wouldn’t wanna be with anyone else. I say couldn’t cause who else is gonna put up with me…I mean…realistically. And so, imagine me kissing you goodnight once again, the smell of my lavender shampoo wafting into your noise, tickling your nose ever so slightly. Imagine my eyes closed, taking in every part of your kiss and the way it feels, the space between us, slowly growing smaller and smaller.
Until that day!




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