It's no secret by now that my husband has been away from me for some time now. I've fought internally with how to deal with the distance I've been enduring, and at many times, I've felt like I was living in a never ending nightmare. Well, it's true, it is a never ending nightmare. I sleep with dreams of my husband only to find that when I wake, he is nowhere near. There are just his clothes in his closet, his pictures around the house, or my memories of us laughing and smiling together. But, no him in flesh and blood. So, I can honestly say that I have had a great "pity me" attitude though I try to be selective with whom I confide in. Well, the person I confide in the most is my husband, the other half that's separated from his spouse as well.
The differences between men and women couldn't have become more evident in our intense conversations during the past nine months. However, I have begun to learn how to take the sadness and shape it into something more useful. The other day my husband said to me, "I order you to smile...10 times a day." Though he said this in a joking manner, I believe he was very serious and I took him as such.
Smile, 10 times a day. I love the thought of it. Now, I am not saying that I won't feel sad every now and again. The absence of the man I love is more than enough to keep me in check, but, I cannot imagine filling the remaining months that my husband is away on tears and wasted energy. In the time it takes to smile, I am already feeling better. I think of my husband telling me "thank you" for dinner as I clean off the dishes from the night's dinner, a dinner I ate without him. I feel run down; feel very little energy, and I smile, remembering the quota of ten that I need to reach. I think of the smiles I am going to have when my man finally comes home and sees his children and plays with them, forgetting the distance if for only but a moment.
Today I spoke with my husband, and fell deeper in love with him as I do with each passing second, passing minute, and each passing day. What a gift the Lord above has given to me, the love many women desire above all things I have. I trust my husband with every fiber of my being. I know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. I also know that he's a kind hearted man (sorry sweetie...I seem to be leaking your secret all over the place), and that he wants to do what's right. I suppose that's what draws me to him. I fight to understand him at times, as he does me, but that's what drives us to be better people. So I will smile those ten times a day or for sure when I am starting to feel blue and tears seem to be welling in my eyes.
There I go, that makes smile number 9 if not 59 for the day. I think of our family and I smile, I think of you kissing me and I smile, but because I know that we can make it through anything, I smile.