Thursday, June 26, 2008

Just Had to Add.








Thank God, that the tornado, which hit Chapman didn't steal more lives than it did. However, it took homes, churches, and schools. It's a town that's a hop, skip, and a jump from where my husband and I settled down. I think of how that tornado could have hit our house and I am thankful yet sad. To the residence that lost homes and something so much more than I could imagine, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Ah, let the road be your guide...










Today was a hot day, a sweaty and very sticky hot day in the great state of Kansas. I am a beginner motorcycle rider, and to ease my husband's mind every so slightly, I wear a leather jacket and helmet. Now, let me admit, being a new rider does inspire me to don the appropriate apparel, but my goodness, I thought I was gonna pass out from the heat alone this afternoon. I guess I have a while to go before the heat doesn't bother me anymore. My friend's husband teases us about being "fair weather riders" and hey, it was fairly hot out today. Though, I will admit, it's not as hot as Kansas is known to get.




We started our ride in our town of residence then headed into a town called Chapman. They've recently be devastated by a tornado and I was humbled by the sights around town. *pictures above are from Chapman* I am use to driving through this town on my way to see my husband while he's at work. It's on Old Highway 40 going east from where I live. I am used to driving into town and see the school on my left hand side...I am use to driving through the town like it's just a normal part of my day. The high school I spoke of is still there, the remnants of the structure, but it's in shambles. I am not from Kansas, so the thought what a tornado could do is a new concept to me and to see it first hand was remarkably humbling. I was with my family when we heard the sirens and had to go into shelter, but nothing, thankfully came of the tornado warnings in my town. However, I am just amazed that a few towns over had to deal with such loss of structure, of home.




We headed the rest of the way down old highway forty to Milford Lake Road then on to highway 18 which is hilly. To all those who have never been to Kansas, yes, there are hills, rolling hills. The wind has the potential to whip you around, which thankfully I didn't experience this all to often. As I have stated before, it gets hot, up in the 100s, but it's not a humid hot, it's a dry hot. Through hills, behind dump trucks, we made our way to Fair Rd. and on home from there. It was a hot ride, but a good ride. It was about an hour and a half motorcycle ride. My nerves still have the best of me whenever I ride. I am waiting for the time when I am able to just be on my bike, to ride with ease as my husband does. To stop worrying about being perfect and just to be able achieve peace. To be fair, however, I've had quite a bit of trouble with the blasted motorcycle since getting it, but nonetheless, I love it!!! It was most gracious of my husband to buy it for me. I consider it a "going away" present...cept he was the one who went away.




Until the next ride. I'll keep you posted...we'll see where the road takes me next.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Silence Doesn't Mean Lonliness




In the quiet hour-
hanging upon the evening air
You sit with me, and we stare

In the quiet distance-

hanging upon a memory

You wait with me, and we share


In the quiet sadness-
I was shown a smile
You taught me, you care

In the quiet of love-
I was touched by your hand
and I swear that life isn't fair
In the quiet Good-bye-
I looked in your eyes
I touched your hand
I smelled your smell
I fell deep, in illusive wonderment


In the quiet of my mind-
I was touched by a grace
and I know that we should dare
Love, believe, and fight
In the quiet hour-
hanging upon the evening air
we lay, entwined and we bear




The Unknown Gifts


Ah, the gifts that God gives us without us understanding his plans. A good amount of years ago, I wanted so badly to be with my husband. We were crazy high schoolers then, but I thought that I was "in love" and that we should have fit perfectly together. He had a bit of a wild streak, or so I believed back then and kinda still do now. I thought he was fascinating, a hard to tame man that I wanted to have. We sat beside each other in Biology...and English...and World Civilization our Sophomore year of high school, but it wasn't until the following year that he and I thought about making our moves towards each other. Previously we had made great conversations, finding that we enjoyed each other's company (in class). But, low and behold, God had other plans. My husband and I laugh at the path we've taken to get to each other and know that it wasn't in our plans nor in our time that we should be together.


That's the great thing about God. You have to be patient...and you have to allow his timing to come upon you. Well, that's what I've been shown with the way my life has gone. Sometimes, we as humans, like to rush the process of our lives. And all to often, we end up tripping over our own feet. We rush to get what we want, when we want it, but if we just sit still a little longer, most of our prayers will be answered. And it's been said, "when God closes a door, he opens a window" and that just because we want something, doesn't mean it's right.


I would have never imagined the life that God had in store for me. My life has been rocky...it has been a winding road...it has been up hill and down, but what I have...the family I have is what has made it all worth the sadness...the fighting...the anger. And now, though we still have our work ahead of us, we believe in each other. Let no man stand and try to break us apart for we are a force to be reckoned with.
You are my friend and I am yours.


Saturday, June 21, 2008

I remember when

I remember when we were in high school together and we rode in your 84' Ford pick em up truck. Do you remember, cruising around those back roads of our hometown (yeah, I claimed it)? Do you remember the feelings you had when we were together back then? I think of how nervous you made me feel, and how crazy I was for you back then and how that love has grown tenfold. I remember leaning against your Ford truck on the property and the way I desperately wanted you to kiss me like the world was coming to and end. I remember shooting guns with you and hunting for mushrooms...and I remember dancing along side my car after an evening with you, after feeling your lips against mine. I wish that now, your lips pressed against mine so tight that no one could pull us apart, not even an army.

I remember sitting next to you in Biology class. I always looked forward to seeing you that Kent City baseball cap of yours and those crazy waves that made up your hair. I looked forward to talking and laughing with you. God sure does have an interesting way of fulfilling his plans. He brought us together then apart, and finally back together again. We've gone through emotional hell together. We've been separate and brought back together more times than I ever wished for, yet I wouldn't change our life path's for the world. Except, I would ask for more time with you. I would ask to kiss you more and to laugh with you more. I always want more of that.

I remember the heartache I felt the first time we were separated. I remember wondering how foolish I must have seemed to you back in high school, but now I gasp at the love I know you feel for me. The way you look at me in love, utter true love. I will strive to always be the best wife I can be for you. My sweet husband.

I hope you have a wonderful day...I hope that you have a wonderful night's sleep...I hope that all your moments are filled with happiness and that you can smile ten times a day too.

Most of all...I love you.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

To Smile 10 Times A Day :)

It's no secret by now that my husband has been away from me for some time now. I've fought internally with how to deal with the distance I've been enduring, and at many times, I've felt like I was living in a never ending nightmare. Well, it's true, it is a never ending nightmare. I sleep with dreams of my husband only to find that when I wake, he is nowhere near. There are just his clothes in his closet, his pictures around the house, or my memories of us laughing and smiling together. But, no him in flesh and blood. So, I can honestly say that I have had a great "pity me" attitude though I try to be selective with whom I confide in. Well, the person I confide in the most is my husband, the other half that's separated from his spouse as well.
The differences between men and women couldn't have become more evident in our intense conversations during the past nine months. However, I have begun to learn how to take the sadness and shape it into something more useful. The other day my husband said to me, "I order you to smile...10 times a day." Though he said this in a joking manner, I believe he was very serious and I took him as such.

Smile, 10 times a day. I love the thought of it. Now, I am not saying that I won't feel sad every now and again. The absence of the man I love is more than enough to keep me in check, but, I cannot imagine filling the remaining months that my husband is away on tears and wasted energy. In the time it takes to smile, I am already feeling better. I think of my husband telling me "thank you" for dinner as I clean off the dishes from the night's dinner, a dinner I ate without him. I feel run down; feel very little energy, and I smile, remembering the quota of ten that I need to reach. I think of the smiles I am going to have when my man finally comes home and sees his children and plays with them, forgetting the distance if for only but a moment.

Today I spoke with my husband, and fell deeper in love with him as I do with each passing second, passing minute, and each passing day. What a gift the Lord above has given to me, the love many women desire above all things I have. I trust my husband with every fiber of my being. I know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. I also know that he's a kind hearted man (sorry sweetie...I seem to be leaking your secret all over the place), and that he wants to do what's right. I suppose that's what draws me to him. I fight to understand him at times, as he does me, but that's what drives us to be better people. So I will smile those ten times a day or for sure when I am starting to feel blue and tears seem to be welling in my eyes.

There I go, that makes smile number 9 if not 59 for the day. I think of our family and I smile, I think of you kissing me and I smile, but because I know that we can make it through anything, I smile.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Army Wives?

I’ve taken note of Army Wives, a Lifetime drama about the wives of Army soldiers and the bonds they form and the hardships they face. I’m still at odds as to what I think of this television series. I seem to be hooked, and can’t pull myself away whenever it’s on. I am not sure if I am stricken with interest because of the unbelievable melodramatics or because in the heart of the situation there are quotes and ideas that are similar to my life. By now, this military life has become normal even though I haven’t been in the life as long as my husband or many other military families. However, by normal, I mean that it’s just a part of life and a way for us to be able to make mortgage payments and to feed and clothe our children. I am not demeaning my husband’s job in the slightest sense, but we are just ordinary folks situated in less than the “average” situation. I get told often that “I don’t know how you do it” and I think to myself, “because that’s life.”

In regards to the television series, I know that real life isn’t that dramatic, but then I have to chuckle at the dramatics of my own life. The whirlwind way my husband and I reconnected after the three years after we graduated high school together, which is a story worthy of becoming a great novel in my opinion. Then there’s our daughter being born in the bathroom of our little home in Kansas, and the fact that my husband tied her umbilical cord off with 5-50cord or the string of bad luck I’ve had since my husband’s deployment. I tend to remember that true life is stranger than fiction, so once again I am unsure of how I feel about Hollywood putting it’s two cents into the lives of military families. Should I be thankful that there is light finally put on military spouses and the sacrifices they face? Absolutely, but I can’t help to wonder what agenda this little drama has in store for the future. Perhaps I am cynical in regards to Hollywood, but I still can’t help to keep my television locked onto the show whenever it’s on. Even though, I feel sadness overcome me when I think of my husband far away from me. And perhaps that's what really perplexes me, the fact that even though this show fights to show the real situations we all go through as military wives, those on the outside of military live will never fully understand what our lives truly feel like.

So, as a side note....love you baby!!! Miss you!!!

Monday, June 16, 2008

June 16, 2006




June 16th, 2006 is the day I married the man of my dreams. We were married without our family around in a state that was far from our home, but nonetheless, we married for love and because we were in love. Happy Anniversary my dear Michael. I love you!

untitled document



In the moment before I drift off to sleep I think of you beside me again, feeling your body twitch as the onset of sleep starts to hit your muscles. You work so hard throughout the day that slumber hits your body so quick. For me it takes longer, I lay beside you for nearly an hour before falling to sleep sometimes and in that time I listen, I watch you in the moonlight that glows throughout our room. You should see the many times I smile at see your face, the sleepy face you have, so unknowing that someone is watching you, so uncaring because you’re deep in slumber.
And now, I lay in our bed alone. I get sad without you around me, but I have never learned so much about myself than I have in the past months that we’ve been separated. I will never loose my emotional streak, that’s just who I am; it makes me the beautiful person I am today. And though you don’t talk about you feelings very often (which admit, you have before) I am beginning to understand that there are certain differences between us. I have begun to learn that your way of expressing your feelings comes in the way you hold me, which you will again soon. I begin to learn that your emotions reach through you arms, through your finger tips as you touch my face. It comes in the way you smile at me at the dinner table. It comes through the way we laugh together and enjoy each other’s company. It comes through the unbreakable devotion you have to me as your wife. I begin to learn that what I get should be enough, and that what you give, is plenty for me and will always be. I am finding that releasing my tensions helps live a better life, and that finding the positive outlook can make the sun shine just a bit brighter. I cannot begin to fully understand you as you cannot begin to fully understand me, but that’s okay. There will be mysteries that we will hold on to, tucked away in our little folds of life that may or may not surface. I have begun to learn that I am a strong woman, that I am a woman who can roll with the punches. I have learned through our life together that if it’s worth waiting for, it’s worth having! And more than ever, I have learned that I am a work in progress, that my feisty spirit needs a little patience.
You have given me this gift of self recognition that I don’t know if I would have discovered without this hardship given to us. I get so angry with your job, so heartbroken that you’re away from me, but then I stop in thought and think, “My God, I can handle this, and you know it.” I loose my footing sometimes, but I am making it along the journey. The journey that gets me back to you, to our family being whole again. I am privileged. I am blessed. I am at my wits in on most days, but I am alive. And I know, I will never stop being sad that you’re gone…fixable or not…but you and I…we’re partners through and through. I love you and couldn’t and wouldn’t wanna be with anyone else. I say couldn’t cause who else is gonna put up with me…I mean…realistically. And so, imagine me kissing you goodnight once again, the smell of my lavender shampoo wafting into your noise, tickling your nose ever so slightly. Imagine my eyes closed, taking in every part of your kiss and the way it feels, the space between us, slowly growing smaller and smaller.
Until that day!




Sunday, June 15, 2008

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!




I am writing this at eleven something at night. I figured it wasn't our exact anniversary yet, but I couldn't go to bed without pouring my heart out to the man I love. Another year has come, and I am still married to the man I love...to the man who makes me laugh...to the man who makes me wanna throttle him sometimes.




We sure don't see eye to eye sometimes, but imagine our lives if we hadn't found each other again. I imagine myself living without you and it's a thought I have to push from my head like lightening strikes...quick...fast...and without another thought to it ever being there. You have given me a life I could have only dreamt of...through the hardships...through the happiness...through ever little thing, I have never stopped being amazed that I have found you. I drive you nuts sometimes with the way my emotions run...and you fight so hard to deal with me...when you have no understanding of why I am crying when I do or why you said one thing yesterday and I laughed, but today it brings me to tears or anger.




You love me...little ole me...with the roller coaster emotions and the stubborn streak that makes you wanna just pull out all your hair. You love me, the woman who cries when there seems to be no reason...who can get defensive at the drop of a pin. You love me. I look at you, knowing you're not perfect, by no means babydoll, but you are this ray of light for me. This man I look at and I wanna get down on my knees and thank God that he gave me you. I am so proud of you, so jealous with how wondrous you are sometimes. My husband, the honorable man. My husband, the man who would walk through fire for me...for anyone in need. My husband, the man who has so many people that love him, that wanna be near him...you're my husband, the man who got down on one knee and proposed that winter day out on Ford Lake Road :) You drive me to such intense emotions sometimes, but you keep me alive...you keep me fighting to make myself better.




I love you!




Here's to another year....




I love you!




From: Mrs. Michael Rice :)

Father's Day







There is no end to Father's Day
When children work and grow and play

For all his energy is spent

To make his lad and lass content.



His goal is always high for those
Whom he must feed and furnish clothes;

Guide and teach, protect from strife -

He fathers them, and loves his wife.


Days per year -three-sixty-five -
On every day he is alive

To needs, demands, to children's plans,

And when they grieve, he understands.


For you he works 'till all worn out;

So, gather 'round, and really shout,

To tel him what you have to say -

Express your love, on Father's Day.


To him, each day is Father's Day;

So pay him honeor as you may -

I like to think your home is blessed

By DAD _who's never second best!
Clem H. Block
We love you Michael and miss you so much! And to our dad's, we love you both "Happy Father's Day!"

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Please, Just Five More Minutes:Saga of a Tired Mother

So there you are, it's warm, the breeze is flowing through the palm trees, and who is sitting next to you? Why, it's your husband looking better than he has in a long time. He smiles at you and hands you a cold drink, it's something smooth and willingly spike with alcohol. Sweetly he whispers to you that he loves you to which you reply the same. Then, you close your eyes, and take in a deep breath of fresh air; it smells sweet like a much needed vacation. Mixed with the tropical breeze you hear something familiar in the distance…your body perks up…it’s coming in louder and louder. Oh no, please no, just five more minutes in paradise. Please baby boy, don’t be waking up…not at…you roll over, eyes half open, barely able to read the little red seven and three-zero that follows it. You close your eyes tight, trying to return to that breeze all while telling yourself he’s just moving about, he’ll be back to sleep in no time. He knows what time it is…right? Please baby boy let me make it to eight-thirty. Then it happens, the silent calm before the storm. The moment you actually believe, despite how many times it happens, that he’s going back to sleep. You relax and ease your body back into your comfortable bed when SNAP! Oh man, he’s begun to make noises that sound more like a puppy than a ten month old boy. He’s having fun while you’re silently pleading for him to stay asleep. Again you attempt to go back to your slumber, wishing that someone else could get him up this time, all while knowing it’s your job, a job you wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. You open your eyes, blinking once then twice, trying to wake yourself. You know exactly what will make him happy. You smile. He’s all yours, your creation, a baby boy who looks to you for happiness. The same boy who takes a crying cue from you when he’s hurt himself. You want more sleep. You love your sleep, but you love him even more. You’re willing to give up everything for one smile from his small lips. You love his laugh when you’ve been tickling him, his smell after he’s done with his bath, and the way he learns something new everyday. You know you’d never trade more sleep for the chance to see everything anew through his eyes. So, as you listen to him squawk and yelp you smile, and while he doesn’t shout “mama” perfectly yet or crawl to your bedside you know he needs you. He’s filled his nightly quota of sleep, and the boss is now telling you break times over. “Don’t worry mom,” you read in his puppy like coos. “Nap time’s just a few hours away.”

Cookies I Will Make For You!

Real Chocolate Chip Cookies (as opposed to being fake)

Bake: 375 Degrees for 8-10 minutes
2-1/4 cups unsifted All Purpose Flour
1 level teaspoon Baking Soda
1 level teaspoon salt
1 cup Butter (at room temperature)
¾ cup sugar
¾ cup brown sugar (packed)
1 teaspoon Vanilla extract
2 Large eggs
1-12 oz pkg. chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a small bowl combine flour, baking soda, and salt and set aside. In a larger bowl combine butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract; beat until creamy. Beat in eggs, one at time. Gradually add flour mixture. Mix well before stirring in Chocolate Chips. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls of dough onto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake and 375 degrees for 8-10 minutes.

My Heart


It's coming soon, our anniversary, and I wish you could be with me. I wish I had more things to say tonight than I actually do, but I am at a loss of what I can say that you haven't already heard me say. I love you with all my heart. I am just so happy to be your wife. I love you!!!!!!!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Divided Hi-Way Ends

A girl and a boy take spearate paths
As they travel the single life,
But there can be no seperate paths
For them as man and wife

When people fall in love
DIVIDED HI-WAY ENDS
and they must travel one way then
up hill and down-round bends

Those separate paths are meant to be
for singles traveling separetly,
But when you meet the one you love
You have one path for thinking of

That path must take you both you see
To places you both want to be,
And when you reach the end you'll know
That God had always planned it so.
Clem H. Block

This is to my husband. I believe it sums up exactly how I feel. I will be by yourside no matter what. I am your wife and together we travel through this life. I love you.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

A Boy, a man, and Donkey

Got this as a forward from dad...I also remember hearing this parable as a little girl. It remains true still today.

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass goodbye!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Let Me Tell You

I have no big words to write tonight or heartfelt lines that I need to spew out. I am just a woman trying to get by in my daily life. I am a mother who takes care of her children on a daily basis. I am a wife who get's by in life while her husband is away.

I need to say, to my children...though they cannot read this. You are loved. You have come into this world with a mother and father who loves you with the largest amount of love possible, infinity love. You are beautiful in every way and have added to my life ten fold. I could not imagine doing a more important job than being your mother. Since the first moment you were placed into my arms, I loved you. If there is one thing I want you to learn in this world, it's that you are loved, that my arms will always be open, no matter what mistakes you make along the way. Do I say this because it is the right thing to say, party, but mostly because I cherish you as the gifts from God that you are. I love you Grey...I love you Carolyn.

And to my husband. We have taken a journey together that I wouldn't change for the world. Life for us thus far has not been easy, but as I've heard wisely stated that "anything worth fighting for is worth keeping". You and I together will make it. After all, we've made it this far already. The gifts you have given me are wondrous. I am here to be the shoulder you lean on. I am here to laugh with and grow with. I am here to love you and hold you close to my heart when you think things couldn't get more ridiculous. You have shown me that sacrifice is a beautiful thing, and not something everyone gets to experience in their lifetime. Imagine us, back in high school together (McClintok's Biology), drawing the mock up of what our child would look like. Imagine someone telling us that we would fall in love and be inseparable and indeed we would have that daughter we drew together. I love you Michael, with every single fiber of my being. I love you so much, these words are not enough to express what I will do for you.

Thank You, my family...I love you all.

Friday, June 6, 2008

HEY HEY...I HAVE A SECRET..OVER HERE!!!

Love you Michael!!!!

January 29th, 2005

I wrote this entry before the first deployment.

When I see other couples in the supermarket I get jealous...and I wonder if the women know how luck they are. Oh sure he might just be beside her picking out groceries and throwing in the occasional witty or annoying remark, but does she realize how luck she truly is? To have someone to love in the first place is a beauitful thing, but to share that love everyday is even more amazing. I returned home from Kansas and went to the store just down the street...I was missing Michael terribly, so I was in a less than happy mood...there was a younger couple...not far from my age I presume...she was standing with her boy friend or whatever he might be. I was alone, getting something for dinner, and there she was, leaning her head on his back, and they were talking like they hadn't another care in the world. I just remember this feeling I Had inside...it was like I was angry...why couldn't he be going away instead? Then I wondered, making myself even more upset...I wondered if she knew how lucky she was to be able to have him near. Oh how much I would have loved to take a small trip to the store with Michael...how important every minue is when you love someone and that person really, truly loves you in return. One day, I'll be that woman, leaning my head on Michael's back as we stand in the checkout of the grocery store. I love him, and I pray for him to stay safe.

I Dunno


Today seems to be the day that I have run out of things to say. It almost feels as if I have said everything I have ever needed to say in regards to this deployment that speaking any further would result in me repeating myself. I've complained to my husband, I've cried to my husband, and I've argued with my husband about the loneliness, the sadness, and the anger I feel. I have run out of many words...except a few. I still Love him and no matter how long I have to wait for him, I will always love him. I might be selfish at times, I might give all my being at times, and I might complain more than I should, but I cannot deny that I love being his wife more than I love my own life. The overwhelming fear that at any moment I'll break clouds my mind on a daily basis yet let it be know I am proud of my husband and of our military. I feel weak having to complain about myself at all, but I am but a human. I might dislike the situation many times, but I couldn't be happier with the choices I've made for my life. The heartache shouldn't be confused with lack of support. The anger shouldn't be confused with lack of understanding.


I imagine a time when again I can look into your eyes and know that I am in the forefront of your mine. I imagine at night what it will be like waking up beside you in the morning. I try to fall asleep to the thought of you coming home and of us meeting up again. I imagine what you'll look like when you see our children again. I imagine the look on your face as you look upon our daughter who is walking and talking, the little girl you left when she was only eight months old. I must remind you that you are very loved and that you are very missed. I must remind you that we are all proud of you. I must remind you that I am HERE for you no matter what. That no matter what feelings I have, we will get through this together. Why, because we love each other and sometimes love is enough.


I might hate being away from you, but you have given me opprotunities in life that I might never have had without you. I am on the long road to thinking positive. It's gonna take me some times because you know how I worry...you know how my mind gets working and I loose all sense of my emotions.


I love you!

Funny Quote

If you're going to criticize or coach your wife walk a mile in her shoes...that way you're a mile away and you have her shoes.

-Dr. Phil

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I Miss You!

Another day away from you and my heart couldn't feel any more broken. If I spend another waking hour without you beside me, I am not sure how I will keep from crying. I miss you so much. I miss my family together and the sounds of our children playing around the house with their daddy. I don't know how to deal with life while you're gone, which is what surprises me every day when I wake up an make it one more day "without you". I try to keep from crying, I try to keep from whining, but all I wanna do is hold you close in my arms and make you feel safe and happy. I want to feel number one instead of second. I wanna have you in my life when I need you most, and I wanna be your support when you need me most. I try to be a strong woman my love, but it's your love that drives me crazy that leaves me feeling so lonely when you're gone. And yes, I feel so loved and wanted at the same time. It's a bittersweet feeling that I am sure you're familiar with. I love you until the ends of the earth. I love you until my hearts stops beating and further, into eternity. I love you like a flower needs rain and a bee needs pollen. I love you and I can't say it often enough nor can I say it loud enough. Being your wife means everything to me as does being the mother of your children.

Goodnight my love.
I miss you!

String of Luck!


Ah, the luck I've had since my husband went away is outstandingly (probably not a word) horrible. I've had more things go wrong in the last eight months then I've had go wrong in a life time. Now, I am not saying that my life has been full of great luck where everything great seemed to fall at my feet, but it wasn't like it is now. In the last three days alone, things seem to be breaking all over the place. (*knock on wood please) The most recent was my PC. Had that thing since 2003, so I suppose I got a great deal of use out of it, but come on, did it have to go now? In December, after a nasty ice storm, I was left out of my house for a week, had to replace a windshield (twice), our water heater, the carpet in the dinning room started molding, then my bike and all it's issues, my computer, and then recently, things have been falling from the rafters in our garage (okay, one item fell, and damaged my husband's front right side reflector). So, needless to say, luck hasn't been that great lately. However, I do have great luck overall. I married the man of my dreams, have two beautiful children, a house to stay safe and warm in, vehicles to get me where I need to go, and even though my luck hasn't been great, I have all those things to count on. And if the world went down the drain, I would still have the love of my family. I tell everyone, I will go through everything over again if it means in the end I get to meet back up with my husband. I suppose God knows that I can handle all the little imperfections thrown my way, so I laugh at the utter lack of shock I have when something goes array and "roll with the punches". There are others who have worse luck than me, so I am thankful that I have been given the means to take care of business when business comes knocking. Thank God for the little things and the wonders he does give if we only take the time to realize the gifts.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

It's the Opposite of Big

What really matters in life? Many people strive for a big house and fancy cars. It's the cliche that women want diamond rings and flowers whenever possible. However, that person is not me. I am thankful for the house my husband bought me, the car my husband purchased for me, and the motorcycle I ride (whenever I am not fighting with it), but the truth of the matter is, the little things matter. I take pride in being able to sit and talk with my husband, shoot the breeze, and know that I am having the time of my life. When I make dinner for my family, I take pride in hearing the thanks from each and every one of them (minus the baby, she can't talk well yet). *And as a side note, when my husband returned for the first time, everyone wanted a piece of him, and rightly so. They wanted to see their family, their kin who had just returned from a long stint overseas. In all the hustle and bustle, he would do one thing. When he was crowded by people, answering their questions, however many times asked, I would sit back and watch him. Periodically he would look over to me and wink. That wink sent my heart fluttering and a smile right to my face. I knew, in all the chaos and all the attention he needed to direct other places, that I was their for him. That wink meant the world to me, the small amount of time it took for him to look over at me, acknowledge that I might not have been right at his side, but that I was right there for him, in eye shot. It's the small things in life that really matter, when all is said and done, when your life has come to and end, it's the little things that make the life whole. I don't ask for roses or expensive jewelry. The way to my heart is not through money or gifts, but through the time and dedication it takes to give me that one wink. I am young yet, but this one thing I have learn, and I will take it, pass it along to my children, and pray they learn the same thing.

*I wait happily Michael, for the time when we can share those little things together. When I can take pleasure in your smile, when I can take pleasure in being in your arms once more, or when we can sit out in our (your :) garage and shoot the breeze. Though I do not need fancy jewelery, I look down at the engagement ring and wedding ring on my finger and smile each day, knowing they were from you, that you put them there.

I love you!

Monday, June 2, 2008

I LOVE YOU!





It's getting closer to our anniversary, and I just had to tell you that I love you. I also wanted to mention a few reasons why I love you.

Your baby blue eyes.

Your smile.

The way you say "I love you" over and over again.

The way you hold me (i.e. the night unders the stars when I cried in your arms because you had to leave)

The way you look at me, with a smile that traps me everytime

The way you thank me for dinner every night.

I Love you Michael...keep posted for an extended list.

Your Wife.

What is Love?

What is love, really? I've completely fallen in love, with my husband and my two children. So, why am I pondering what love really is? I've been having trouble falling asleep since my husband went away, so naturally, I think. I think about everything as I try to fall asleep. I think about seeing my husband again, I think about how much sleep I could get if I just fall asleep at midnight...one...two in the morning, and I think about love. We see images daily on what love looks like, but deep down, what does it entail?


Love- as defined by Merriam-Webster is a noun, not a verb as in to do. It has a few meanings, in which is #2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion .

So, does this really answer my question? No. Is love an emotion, something we an turn off and on? Can we love like we are happy or sad? I use to think that love was a choice, that you choose to love someone, but in having children, I learned that love is something I do without thinking. I love like I breath air. And then enters my marriage. I love my husband with such intensity, and I could not imagine "falling out" of love with him either. Sure, things get hard, we argue and disagree, but through it all, I love him. Many people leave their once significant other, saying that they've "fallen out of love", but it makes me wonder, did they really ever love them at all? People can fool themselves into thinking they've fallen in love, find sexual attraction, but the love I have found with my husband, I couldn't imagine being without it, it's like the love I have for my children, I begin to do it without thinking. So what is love then, something we end up doing without a thought, a mysterious entity that overcomes our body? I suppose now, I don't care if I know exactly what it is, just as long as I feel it.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Can't A Woman Just Ride?

Seriously, can't a woman just ride her bike without having issues up the wazoo? My wonderful husband buys me my first motorcycle, without me knowing how to ride it, and I have had nothing but trouble. She had a brief stint in Michigan over the winter then in the Spring I took her home, trailered her back the whole way. I worked hard, stunk in my MSF course on post, but managed to learn enough to get my license in October of the same year I got my bike. First, there were carb issues, the place I purchased it at was the same place I had it serviced to take care of the gummed up carbs then, I get down to Kansas, rode it five times, and boom!!...problems with the carbs again. She was fixed again, and I took her out today for the first ride since the second time she was all cleaned out.
NOW CAN I HAVE A BREAK!!! Was going great, riding confidently, only stalled out once. I was feeling happy and confident, since I was really nervous to get back on my bike. Well, I'm merrily going along until I say to myself, "hmmm, wonder how fast I'm going?" Look from Raylene, my friend who was in the lead, down to the speedometer. "Well, I know I'm not going zero!" I tell myself. @#$%& another issue yet again! Can a woman just ride her bike? Please? Gremlin bells are gonna be all over that thing...I can tell you right now. So thankfully, I rode between my two neighbors to keep at a steady pace and I made it home...but not before the oil light came on. Yeah, that irked me a little, made me nervous again. So, I'll be keeping my eye on the bike, making sure she stays nice. And tomorrow I'll be ordering the proper cable.

I JUST WANNA RIDE!!! Please, just let me ride.

My Heart's a Little Extra Broken

My heart's a little extra broken today more than it normally is since you've been away. I am walking around with a smile, getting things done, but inside, pieces of my heart are missing. You know exactly what I mean, and that is all that matters. I am fighting back tears because they won't really change the situation that we are all in. I suppose if I had to you to hold me close that I wouldn't be feeling the overwhelming need to pick up pieces of a puzzle where the pieces are just out of my reach. Every sight and sound reminds me of our family. Every thought that enters my mind connects to our little family.

That's all I have to say.